Category: Janene Justifiables Published on Sunday, 18 December 2011 16:43 Written by Janene Ryan Hits: 1700
Q: your long time best friend of the opposite sex meets your new mate. You get married to your mate over time. In your mind and heart you know you would like your BFF to be in your live till you die. One day your now spouse says I am not feeling ya BFF and I think its time to let them go. After you say, "why whats going on" Do you let the BFF go or tell your spouse they not going if the reason given is not a valid one for you? As a male I want to know why should I have to let my home girl go because my wife just dont like the fact we close or something she comes up with?
~Sincerely, How Come They Have to Leave
Dear How Come They Have To Leave,
First off, let me put my personal disclaimer out there: I am fully convinced that men and women can be JUST FRIENDS. If there is a mutual agreement and respect for one another, then they can be as close as any same sex relationship. I simply think it’s a matter of how well two people mesh. And if a particular man gets along better with a particular female – in a friendship realm – then why not get tight? However, the issue isn’t can a man and woman be friends, but can a spouse be okay with the husband or wife maintaining such a relationship.
There is a term that seems to rear its ugly head when a third person comes between a couple – jealousy. When that green-eyed bandit shows up on the scene then it has great potential for all hell to break loose.
I believe the reason why the spouse becomes jealous – especially women – is because they want the title BFF. In a woman’s brain a best friend means someone who will be there through thick and thin, someone you will share ALL of your secrets, desires, fears, disappointments, etc. with and hope they can help put things in your life back together – or at least into perspective. She sees a BFF as that person who knows everything about you when everyone else is guessing. Now, for your wife to want that title and it belong to ANOTHER WOMAN, then yes, it can cause problems.
One thing you have to understand is that your wife is not seeing your BFF as JUST a friend. No, she’s seeing her as ANOTHER WOMAN; another woman who may potentially know her man better than she does. And women don’t like being left in the dark – especially when it comes to their man, their kids and their finances. Even if the relationship has always been platonic, meaning strictly on a friendship basis with nothing else, your wife will see your BFF as a potential threat. In her mind she’s saying “why does he need or want HER so close? What does she possess that I don’t?” Your wife may see the relationship as a competition; a competition of who is closest to your heart. Furthermore, -- and this is where everything lies – if the relationship was ever more than just friends and your wife finds out or knows then it will make the jealousy all that more necessary (in her eyes).
My recommendation – especially for new couples who are just starting out – is to let your spouse get to know your BFF immediately. As soon as you see the potential for the relationship to move towards something serious, bring the BFF into the picture; the same way you would if it was family. You want all of the important people in your life to get acquainted – even if they don’t like each other. You never want to hide the relationship. When people feel like they are being kept in the dark then trust is squashed. And when there is no trust because of “secrecy,” then it gives jealousy the right to show its ass!
It would be a perfect world if you could just say, “babe, this is gonna be ‘my ace’ whether you like it or not,” but you can’t (or maybe you can). So this is where compromise comes into play. Perhaps, you may need to sit your wife down and let her know exactly what the relationship between you and your BFF consist of; reassure her that you chose her to be your wife and that no one can trump that! Most women just want to know they will always have the #1 spot in your life. When she feels that position is threatened then she will try to rid any opposing competition.
Although you’re probably saying to yourself, “it’s not even like that,” she’s not. YOU and the BFF already know what the friendship consist of, your wife doesn’t; and unless you can ease her worry, then putting some space between you and your friend may be what will keep your marriage together. If this other woman is sincerely your BFF then she will understand; she’ll be pissed but she’ll understand. And if the BFF goes the route of “‘F’ your wife, I was here first,” then perhaps your wife’s intuition was smack on and your BFF is not the person you labeled her as. Be Blessed